Books written by Dylan Moran and
Episode One - Cooking the books
(Bernard Black’s shop, he is on the phone)
B: I don't know Nick, you're the
Man: These books
B: Yeah I know
B: Maybe, I'm not sure
Man: Hello there! Excuse me!
Man: Excuse me I just wonder if... Hel...
(Bernard writes ‘oh phone’ on a post it note and sticks
it to his head)
B: It'll be much simpler this time Nick,
honestly, the accounts are in order, ok alright well
I'll see you in an hour, ok bye (takes the note off his
Those books, how much?
Man: Those books, the leather bound ones
B: Yes Dickens the collected works of
Man: They're real leather?
B: They're real Dickens
Man: I have to know if they're real leather
because they have to go with a sofa.
Everything else in my house is real. I'll give you 200
B: 200 what?
Man: 200 pounds
B: Are they leather bound pounds?
B: Sorry I need leather bound pounds to go
with my wallet, next
M: Do you have the little book of calm? I
need the little book of calm, do you have
it? I need it I'm late for work, calm, little book,
B: Is this it? (Holds up a book called
No it's too big, too big, little, just
B: This one? This one? (Holds up ‘The
history of screaming’)
No no, calm, the little book of calm
B: err this?
M: Just a little one, that's the one yes,
money, how much
M: 2.50, could I…
B: I'll just get you a bag
M: No, no, no bag I don't need a bag, just
B: I'll do you a receipt
M: No, no I don't need a receipt that's
B: That's broken I'll have to write one
B: Littleeeeeee boooook
M: Look I'll do it, of calm, 2.50 thank
you. Umm errr stroke a ..no no eat a....
no let go once in a while, you are a loose lily floating
down an amber river, sorry I
hate my job.
B: What a strange man, (through a
megaphone) right the shop is closed
everybody get out!
B: Time to go home, come on
It's only quarter to three
B: Yes but it's my shop come on go home
bye bye thank you bye
It's hardly fair
It's not fair at all, get out bye bye
Man: I expect better service from
well expect away, get out bye bye come on
all your time wasting
bastards, back on the streets come on bye bye bye,
goodbye thank you bye bye bye back to life
back to reality thank you.
is in her knick knack shop, opens a package containing a
large ball shaped object, listens to the ball, sniffs
it, Bernard crashes in through the hanging door)
F: Bernard, do you want this? Buy this
What is it?
It's a thing
What does it do?
It's very in
You don't know what it is do you
F: Its very now
B: Listen would you just pop next door and
mind the shop for half an hour I have to
see my accountant
F: Bernard will you get an assistant so I
don't have to do this all the time, oh but
yeah actually I will do it this one time, but you have
to do the same for me day after tomorrow
B: Ok, why?
F: Well you know my pal Julie?
F: They're inducing the baby on Wednesday
and she's asked me to be birth
B: eeeugh, that's going to be very
intense, there'll be a lot of blood and a lot
of shouting and
Oh no no no no I'll just get drunk! In
fact, she'll be on drugs, I'll be drunk,
it'll be just like the old days
B: Ok well have a nice time. bye.
(Crashes through the hanging door again)
(to the ball) Hello? I do sell a lot of
wank don't I.
So show me your new filing system Bernard
B: Well this is March, to boobedeeboo,
this is misc, and the rest are other
Other what? Other weeks? Other backdated
weeks is it?
No, other... times, so it goes this week,
very recent and all other times
You gotta help me out here Bernard I mean what
period does all other times
B: I dunno Nick I'm not... wonder woman
Acc: This new system, it's very closely
modeled on the old system isn't it
B: I'd go further than that Nick, I'd say
it was more or less exactly the same,
except... no it's the same, I mean you know I sort of
lied on the phone Nick, I lied
Well I mean, did you hear that?
B: What? What?
Acc: Oh nothing, I mean you're lucky I'm so
(takes drink and tablets)
accommodating. Because a lot of other
accountants might be a bit funny,
(phone), hello? Yes Jane, oh, right, ok, yeah, mm-hm,
mm-hmm, oh right (shreds papers in a
shredder) right, Bernard I've just gotta pop off
Acc: Yeah I'll see you soon alright bye (goes
down the fire escape)
Police: He's always one step ahead, the cat has
left the basket, the cat has left the
M: (on phone) Mmm yeah, it's flying its
flying I'm right on it, I mean it'll be in the pipe soon
I tell you, the best thing is if I ... (puts phone down
when his colleague walks by)
Boss: You, Manny, what's that you're eating,
M: Yes... it's extra chunky
Boss: What's in it?
M: Chunks, should I be doing something? Do
you need the Gleason accounts
now? I have them on disk, err I would've emailed them
but err I had a lot of clink on
the stuffer expander and err, plug went in some
Look, just shape up or ship out alright?
makes a face; his boss turns round and sees him, the
phone rings, Manny answers it still making the face)
Yeah? Oh hi yeah, yuh, yuh I'm chasing up
the err, the company account, yeah ok, ok.
boss goes through the door and Manny reads his little
book of calm)
“visualise the ocean” Ahhh! (Reads the book again) oh a
calm ocean, oh right
Right come on we've gotta get Friday's invoices
Ok yeah here I come (knocks the book into
the soup with his elbow, drinks the soup, chokes)
Boss: What is it?
M: I've swallowed the little book of calm,
I've swallowed the little book of
(Ambulance drives off)
(Talking to a customer) Is it some kind
of bald furby? (Bernard walks in) Bernard! Early
closing? How’d it go?
Nick the accountant, Nick the accountant,
is a fugitive, I'm not doing my accounts
Because you can stick it up your arse.
Bernard, you'll just have to do them
yourself, I mean it's quite easy
Yeah, give it a go, sure I could muddle
to hours later, Bernard is poring over his tax return)
WHAT? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? THE WHAT?
If you live in a council flat beside a river but are not
blind, WHAT? “What is your mother's maiden name?” What's
her first name? I just knew her as Ma, Ma, that'll have
to do, Ma. Possibly deceased. “Did your non-returnable
outgoings for the first half of the year exceed your
deductions for quarterly vat returns?
to Bernard pairing his socks)
Right, that's all my socks paired,
back to the accounts. Ok, did your
non-returnable outgoings for the first half of
the year exceed your deductions for quarterly vat
returns? (Dials phone) Hello ma? It's Bernard. No
nothing's wrong, come on I don't need an excuse to call
my mother do I? (11 seconds later) I am, yeah I know,
yes, yes, yes I will, I know, ha, yes, yes, I know,
yeah, ok, yeah, GOODBYE I have to do my tax. Did your
non-returnable outgoings for the first half of the year
(door knock) Ahhh thank Christ. (Opens door to two
Jehovah’s Witnesses) Yes?
Hello we were wondering if we could talk to
you about Jesus?
Great! Come in!
I'd love to hear about Jesus what's he up
to now? come on in, come on
Are you sure?
Yes, in, in, come in
It's a trick!
It's just generally people don't say yes
B: Well I'm not people, come on in let's
talk beliefs. Come in, come in, grab a pew. Right let's
Well to be honest we've never actually thought this far
ahead. It's nice in here, indoors.
What's your favourite story about our
(thinks) Moneylenders! It has to be the
moneylenders, chasing them out of the
It is knockout stuff isn't it, yeah, and
Oh it's all good but I suppose when he, when he
rescued, when Jesus
rescued the Samaritan.
B: No that's a story Jesus tells about the
Samaritan who helps somebody else.
JW2: And I like the one where he went to dinner
with a tax collector
B: Do you have any literature or anything
I could look at?
Oh yes! Those books and magazines we have!
Both: Books and magazines!
hospital, beeping can be heard; Manny is on a hospitable
bed dressed in a long white cape and sandals)
M: Ah there you are, err time for my
Doc: Well it's rather bad news I'm afraid Mr
Bianco, the little book of calm is
lodged between the small intestine and the pancreas, if
it rotates a centimetre or two to the
left, you'll be dead in seconds
M: Oh my god
Doc: N no hold on a moment that's just the
worst case scenario, the other
possibility and this is far more likely is that the
little book of calm will move to the right,
into the renal canal, now if this happens, you could
live for anything up to ten years, one year, who
M: Oh my god
Doc: Because of the massive scarring caused by
the little book of calm
however it is possible that you'll be in a
massive amount of pain-
M: Oh my god...sorry
Doc: -during that time
M: Oh my god
(Doctor gets paged)
Doc: Oh sorry about this, I'm gonna have to
go, we'll operate tomorrow, see if there's
anything we can do about it, there's a good chance
you'll survive, a 30% chance I'd say
so try not to worry, as the book itself says,
(reading x ray) whenever you're in a
tight spot, try to imagine yourself
marooned on a beautiful desert island.
So he said that because no-one's without sin? Is that
right? Yeah yeah
B: Yeah that’s right yeah you know that's
what it was all, but it was hidden, y'know metaphor…
So it's like God and Jesus are the one thing?
B: You got it, yeah, are you sure you
won't stay a bit longer?
Ahhh no really I mean, we have to go its very late
B: Ok alright whatever, come again though
Oh yes yes
B: Yeah yeah
B: Yeah, later (sees the accounts)
F: Bernard? Finished with your accounts?
B: Yeah, I've turned them into a rather
smart casual jacket.
F: Bernard, I mean, it is a very nice
jacket but what are you gonna do about your
B: I dunno, will you do them?
F: Oh well look, you got that wrong for a
start coz you divide by ten there, oh
no no no, no no I'm not doing
this, no no I have to give all my
attention to being Julie's birth
partner, oh look look look look there's
something written on the side there's something
15.99 oh no I wrote that.
B: What am I gonna do now? Who's gonna
Ahhh Mr Bianco back with us at last,
there's been a complication, you see we
went in to remove the book and umm, well in medical
terms it's gone, to put it another way
it's not there, now I don't know how this could've
happened, the only
explanation is that somehow you assimilated it into
your system overnight which is of
to Manny sat upright with a halo of light behind his
How do you feel by the way?
Add a drop of lavender to your bath and
soon you'll soak yourself calm
M: If you want to feel calm, eat more raw
fruit and vegetables, yoghurt, milk and
Err maybe I should let you get some
When you rest, you are a king surveying
your estate, look at the
woodland, the peacocks on the lawn, be the king of your
own calm kingdom
F: I've got it!
B: I'm doing them!
F: I know what this is it's so simple
it's for giving up sugar!
B: Yeah, that's exactly what it's not
F: No that's absurd isn't it.
B: What's this now? blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah, yah yah, blah
blah blah, exemption clause, persons suffering from
short or long- term injury or
sickness may defer their returns until such time as,
wait a minute, persons suffering from short
or long-term injury or sickness may defer
their returns... ahaha ha! ahaha!
F: No no give it up Bernard no you'd have
to really cripple yourself, you're
hardly gonna do that just to avoid doing accounts.
(Bernard smiles maniacally)
B: Err we've got a special offer on this
B: Yes it's free if you break my legs.
Man: Fair enough.
B: Great! I'll just get the hobbling post,
Man: Wait, I've read this one, that's the
problem with woodhouse isn't it!
B: Yes it's terrible now hurry up and
break my legs.
Man: But I've already read it! No I'm sorry
I've got to go.
F: (holding the ball up to the customer’s
face) What is this? What is this? Have you any idea what
the hell this is?
VO: Would the birth partner of Julie Williams
please report to delivery room one
walks out discharging himself)
(Gloria! Can be heard by a choir)
(screaming, giving birth) Where’s my birth
partner? I can't do this without my birth
partner, where is she? Where is she?
Nurse: We told you Julie we can't find her, we've
been calling her all day!
M: When you're feeling under pressure, do
something different, roll up your sleeves
or eat an orange.
(Gloria is heard again, Manny stops a dog from barking
by talking to it, stops a car alarm beeping)
(Bernard is trying to hammer a nail through his hand; a
group of customers are around Fran in a circle looking
at the ball)
Man: Is it some kind of fake breast? Y'know
that dads wear.
F: What are you talking about?
Man: Y'know for babies.
F: Ba-babies! Oh my God, Julie!
M: Be on the lookout for things that make
you laugh, if you see nothing
worth laughing at, pretend you see it, then
F: Yeah, whatever
Yob: Oi! Hairy!
goes over happily)
Yob: What you lookin’ at?
M: Have you ever noticed a calm person
with a loud voice? Try and speak softly
once in a while
M: Add a dab of lavender to milk, leave
town with an orange, and pretend you're
laughing at it
(Bernard’s shop, Bernard is trying to chain-saw his own
B: Oi you lot you better clear off I have
to do a few, y'know I have to, I have to,
ah! Skinheads! Perfect! Ahhh!
(Bernard skips over to them)
Yob: Do you think you're funny?
M: What happened?
Yob: Looking for another slap are ya?
M: Looking for another slap?
B: Which one of your bitches, wants to
B: Hey y'know when you're doing the usual
sort of threesome thing you do of a
weekend y'know and err the moonlight's bouncing off your
heads and your arses and
everything does that not get a bit confusing?
skinheads look bemusedly at Bernard)
look this is you, ok? Tralalalalalalalalalalalala
Tralalalalalalalalalalalala. (Bernard skips and runs
around childishly, still no reaction from the yobs)
Millwall! That’s the one, do you know this chant?
Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful and all
your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated.
all punch Bernard)
(Bernard's shop, he is coming round, sees Manny in misty
light looking like Jesus, Manny slaps Bernard gently)
M: Are you in pain?
B: Not enough! Where have they gone?
M: Oh they got tired and went away, why
did you do that? That was just so
incredible the way you just kept letting them punch you
and, thank you!
B: I've been gravely injured now, I don't
have to do my accounts, you're a
on door, Manny gets it)
M: Oh, well I can do your accounts
M: Well I'm an accountant, well was an
accountant, huh, err it's the least I
B: You mean you could do more?
B: Could I have a glass of wine?
B: And a ham sandwich?
M: If you like
B: With a pickle?
(Bernard smiles madly)
opens the door to the JWs, they think he's Jesus, scream
and run away)
B: Right well you, you get started on that
and I'll begin the business of the day.
F: Car won't start, cab number, cab
number, got to get to Julie
(Bernard can't find a light, Manny uses the ball to
light his cigarette for him, Fran screams)
Copyright Dylan Moran and Graham Linehan